


Cosmic Agony

by BeStillMySlashyHeart



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Hopeful Ending, M/M, its literally just sleep, sort of cheating but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-22
Updated: 2019-05-22
Packaged: 2020-03-09 20:59:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18924922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeStillMySlashyHeart/pseuds/BeStillMySlashyHeart
Summary: The problem with not letting many people in is that when you need someone, it's a short list.Michael and Alex are both dealing with a lot and in their lowest moments they can only turn to each other. Somehow, this develops to the point where they can no longer go to sleep without the other.Which is a bit of a problem, considering Michael's dating Maria.





	Cosmic Agony

**Author's Note:**

> This does feature Michael/Maria but I don't want to tag it because it's not a good relationship. Michael's a pretty shitty boyfriend to her.

Maria groaned and grabbed at Michael’s hip sleepily as he slid from the bed.

“Just stay,” she urged quietly, her voice thick with sleep. “It’s late. You shouldn’t be driving.”

“Early morning,” Michael countered as he brushed a kiss over her temple. “If I stay here I won’t be able to drag myself out of bed to go to work.”

“You should work later shifts,” she told him as she turned over to look at him. His stomach clenched as she looked up at him, some indescribable feeling evident in her eyes. Except it wasn’t indescribable, not to Michael. He knew it well. It was the same look he had every time Alex had left him in the middle of the night. He hated that he was now doing it to Maria.

He shook his head to clear his thoughts. He tried hard not to think about Alex when he was with Maria. He rarely succeeded, though.

Michael braced himself on the bed and kissed Maria goodbye. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” It was half a statement, half a question. Even after months of this relationship, he was still unsure of where he stood, always afraid of pushing too much.

But she just nodded. Michael gave her another quick kiss and grabbed his shirt from the floor. He called a soft ‘good night’ over his shoulder as he left.

“Michael,” her quiet voice stopped him. “Are you ever going to stay the night?”

He turned around to see her sitting up, the sheet bunched up under her arms.

“Maria-”

She shook her head. “Nevermind. Sorry, forget I said anything.” She shrugged a shoulder. “You work early mornings and the bed in the trailer is too small for the two of us. I get it.”

Michael swallowed and nodded. “I’ll see if I can rearrange my schedule in the future.”

She gave him a soft smile and nodded. Michael turned and left without another word, his chest already aching from the guilt.

He hadn’t lied. Not really.

He did work a lot of early mornings and it was easier to just stay at the Airstream rather than have to get up even earlier to commute. But that didn’t mean Maria couldn’t commute to the bar, if need be. His bunk was small, true, but it could fit two people. It wasn’t as comfortable as Maria’s bed but it was more than sufficient. 

He just hadn’t asked her to. And he’d brushed off every one of her subtle asks to join him. 

If it was as simple as an issue of a bed, he’d work around it. But that wasn’t it and he knew it. He just couldn’t admit to it.

The headlights lit up the Airstream as he rumbled to a stop next to it. Michael half fell out of the car, his exhaustion finally catching up to him as he got closer to his bed. From there, it was only a few steps to the door and from the door it was only two steps and a full body collapse to hit the bunk.

The second his body hit the mattress, the tension he’d been carrying around all day faded away and he got a punch in the arm for his efforts.

“Sorry,” he whispered as he lay there for a moment. In a second he would sit up and strip off his shirt and jeans and boots so that he could get comfortable but for now he just soaked up the warmth and comfort of his own bed. 

The mattress shifted as Alex rolled over to face away from him. Michael stared at his back and tried not to let it hurt. But it did hurt, everything about this  _ hurt _ .

\---

The next morning, Michael rolled out of bed at the ass crack of dawn and left Alex to wake up alone. It tore at him, leaving him sleep rumpled in his bed but it was how they worked. Alex would be long gone by the time Michael came back in for lunch and they’d never say a word about it. Not now, not during the day, and not tonight when Michael went out to the cabin and slipped into bed beside him again.

It was just how it worked.

It was awful and it hurt both of them. But at some point over the last six months or so, they’d somehow gotten to the point where they couldn’t sleep apart. Whenever they tried, one of them inevitably ended up crawling into bed with the other just to get a few minutes of blessed sleep. 

They didn’t talk. They never talked. For all intents and purposes they’d been avoiding each other ever since Michael started dating Maria. It was honestly just sleeping.

If they frequently woke up from nightmares and needed the other’s comfort to get back to sleep, that was no one’s business but theirs. If things were said in the dead of night, truths let out that they couldn’t face in the light of day, they ignored it.

They were simultaneously ignoring each other and seeking each other out in their weakest moments. They were helping each other through their trauma and refusing to speak. In the midst of trying to move on, they’d never been closer.  

It was agonizing. 

“Guerin!” Michael looked up at the frantic yell. His coworker Bill stood a few feet away, a wary look on his face. “I think that’s about scrap now.” He gestured at the engine Michael was supposed to be fixing. Michael followed his gaze to look at the mangled pile of metal in front of him. 

Michael closed his eyes and dropped the tools in his hand as he hung his head. “I’ll fix it.”

“That can’t be fixed,” Bill argued with a slight laugh.

“I said I’ll fix it!” Michael yelled. Bill put his hands up as he stepped back. Michael watched him go before shoving the engine away from him.

This wasn’t the first time he’d lost control at work. He used to be able to let his thoughts wander while he worked but this was the third project he’d screwed up because he was thinking about Alex in as many weeks.

It was as obvious a sign as he could think of that they couldn’t go on like this. Too bad Michael didn’t know how to stop.

\---

He wanted to scream. He was so goddamn tired his eyes hurt. It had been three days since he’d gotten more than a few moment’s of sleep and he was aching for it.

Michael looked down at Maria’s head on his chest and wanted more than anything to be able to fall asleep with her in his arm. They had something good going here and he wanted more of it. So what if he hadn’t been honest with her about the whole Alex thing or the alien thing or the nightmares? What did it matter that he only had one person he could be truly honest with and it wasn’t her? He wanted to make it work.  He really did.

He moved her gently until her head was resting on a pillow and slipped out of the bed. This was his third night here and Maria had loved having him, that much was obvious. She knew he wasn’t sleeping well but she seemed to have chalked it up to an unfamiliar bed and not pressed him for answers. 

Michael slumped down at the kitchen table and put his head in his hands and groaned softly as he rubbed at his eyes. He had been trying to wean off of Alex, first skipping a night every now and then, then trying every other night. It hadn’t worked. No matter how many times they tried or how often they spent the night apart, it didn’t get better. A night without Alex now equaled a night without sleep.

This week had been Michael’s final attempt. He had resolved to avoid Alex for the entire week, thinking eventually sheer exhaustion would win out and he’d be able to sleep.

So far that hadn’t happened. All it had done was make him agitated and a terrible employee. He’d messed up enough jobs at the junkyard that he knew he was on the verge of being fired. On top of that, he couldn’t stay focused enough to help Liz in her lab as she tried to figure out how to bring Max back, nor did he have the patience to deal with Isobel. 

He needed sleep. He needed Alex.

Michael looked through the open doorways into the bedroom. The moonlight cut through the window and illuminated the bed and Maria’s sleeping form. He could feel part of him reaching out for her, urging him to go back to bed and try again. But the far larger part of him ached for Alex.

Michael moved through the small apartment silently, gathering his clothes and throwing them on carelessly. He thought about leaving a note but decided against it. He never had before and Maria might suspect something was wrong if he did now.

How he made it all the way to Alex’s cabin, he would never know. He’d driven better on nights when he’d been tossed out of the Pony after being cut off. The closer he got, the more frequently his eyes slipped closed. It was as if his body knew he was going to Alex.

There was a form slumped in a chair on the deck when he pulled up. Michael lumbered up the stairs, his foot catching on a step as he dragged his feet. A bleery eye opened over the top of the blanket as he landed heavily on the landing. 

Michael stared at Alex for a long moment, taking in the bloodshot eyes and lethargic movements as Alex tried to shove off his blanket. 

“What are you doing out here?” His voice was rough from lack of sleep.

“Trying to sleep,” Alex answered. “I’ve been trying out different places to see if it worked.”

“Did it?” 

Alex scoffed as he reached for his crutches. “No. Neither did the entire bottle of whiskey I drank last night.” He hauled himself to a standing position and stepped carefully over the crumpled blanket. “Bring that in, yeah?”

Michael nodded and watched with a careful eye as Alex stumbled through the front door and down the short hallway to the bedroom. He locked the door behind him and draped the blanket over the back of the couch before following Alex. When he got to the bedroom, Alex was already in bed with the blankets turned down on the opposite side. Michael quickly shed his clothing before taking the invitation and sliding in next to him. 

Sleep took them both instantly.

\---

It was dark when he woke up. And he was still tired.

Michael groaned when he realized that it hadn’t worked. Not even Alex could get him to sleep anymore. There was an electronic chirping. Michael tried to ignore it but when it continued, he realized it had woken him up. That and the voices coming from the living room.

“I don’t know where he is.” That was Alex.

“He just disappeared. In the middle of the night, Alex! And no one knows where he is and he’s not answering his phone.” Michael squeezed his eyes shut as he recognized Maria’s voice.

“Maria, I haven’t talked to Guerin in months. I don’t know what you want me to say.” Alex’s voice was bitter and tore at something in Michael. He hadn’t considered the damage he’d do to Alex’s relationship with Maria but it was bad. The two of them barely spoke now, and it was hard for both when they did.

“Alex,” and what the fuck was Isobel doing here, “we’re just worried.”

“I understand that,” Alex answered calmly, “but I can’t help you.”

“You’re not worried about him?” Maria almost sounded frantic. “It’s been two days!”

Michael’s eyes shot open. Two days?! He looked around for his phone but didn’t see it. The chirp came again and he looked in its direction, recognizing it now as the low battery warning on his phone.

He missed what was being said in the living room as he almost fell out of bed in his haste to grab his jeans and pull out his phone. He had 14 missed calls and a lot more messages.

It was also 7:49 PM. The next day. He’d slept for almost 40 hours.

Fuck.

Michael looked up when the door opened. Alex didn’t look at him as he came in and sat on the edge of the bed.

“Where’s my truck?”

“You parked it behind the shed.” That would explain it. He usually parked back there so as not to block the driveway. And tucked away behind the shed, it was impossible to see unless you walked around the small building. Isobel and Maria wouldn’t be able to see it from the driveway or the front door. But- “I don’t remember doing that.” He’d definitely parked in the driveway because he remembered seeing Alex sitting on the porch from his car. 

Michael looked up as Alex turned to him with a slightly amused look on his face. “Kyle came by this morning and you moved it so he could park next to the house.”

Michael’s eyes widened. “I did?”

Alex nodded. “Then you came back inside and passed out again.”

Michael leaned back against the wall and let his head thump against it. “Did you sleep?”

Alex nodded, still eyeing him carefully. “I got about a full 24 hours. Missed work yesterday but I woke up this morning. I tried to get you up when Bill called but you wouldn’t budge.”

Michael groaned. This was probably the last straw. No way would he get a pass on missing two days of work without a word.

“Maria and Isobel were here.” It wasn’t a question. Except it was.

“They were looking for you. People get worried when you disappear in the middle of the night without a word and don’t answer your phone for two days.”

“They came to you?”

“I think I was their last stop.” Alex slid off the bed and settled carefully on the floor. He scooted carefully to join Michael against the wall. “I didn’t say anything because I assumed you didn’t want Maria to know.”

“I think I have to tell her.”

“Guerin-” Alex cut himself off. Michael waited for him to continue but he didn’t.

“We can’t keep going like this.” Michael’s voice was soft. “I mean that literally.”

“I know.”

“I keep fucking up at work, with Maria and Liz and Isobel. I’m angry all of the time and-”

“I  _ know _ .” Alex cut him off. “We have to figure out a way to stop this.”

Michael closed his eyes. “What if we don’t?”

He felt Alex turn and stare at him but he didn’t open his eyes. 

“You want to keep leaving your girlfriend in the middle of the night to come sleep with me?” Alex asked before his voice turned to ice. “Or would you prefer I move in with you two so you can go between beds at will?”

“No, Alex, fuck no.” Michael protested, turning to him. Alex had his head pressed into the wall as he looked up at the ceiling, his eyes already red. “I just meant- I don’t know. I need to break up with Maria.”

Alex choked. “Don’t do that. You two have a good thing. We’ll figure this out so you can be with her.”

“Clearly it’s not that good of a thing if I can’t even bear to sleep with her in the same bed.”

“Guerin-”

“Alex.” Michael’s voice was hard. “How would you propose we figure this out? We tried giving each other space. We tried just ignoring it. Nothing’s worked.”

“Maybe we need to talk.” Michael looked away. Alex pressed on. “I mean actually talk. Not just spill our miserable secrets in the middle of the night while coming out of a nightmare only to ignore it in the morning.”

It was quiet for a long time. Long enough that Michael’s stomach started to grumble. Alex stood up without a word and went into the kitchen. Michael rose and put on some pants before following. The two worked together in silence to make dinner, stepping around each other in the small kitchen easily until the meal was ready.

“Sometimes I can’t look at you without seeing your father. And Caulfield.” Michael admitted as picked up a fork.

Alex froze across from him. “Every time you come here from Maria’s and I can smell her perfume on you, it breaks me a little bit more. And I don’t know how much more I can take.”

The rest of the meal continued the same. It wasn’t a conversation, not really. They just took turns admitting some hard truths in between bites without once looking at each other. 

“If I didn’t know you I would never have met my mother. But then I wouldn’t have had to stand aside and let her die.”

“I can’t stand the sight of your hand. It was hard enough looking at it when it was scarred but now that it’s healed it’s like that moment exists only in my nightmares.”

“I miss Max. And I am so angry at him that I hate myself for it”

“I’ve been having PTSD flashbacks since Caulfield.”

“All I’ve ever wanted to do was leave Earth and go home. But there’s no home to go to.”

“All I’ve ever wanted to do was beat my father. But I don’t know if it’s possible any more. He’s always going to be willing to go farther than I am and so he’ll win.”

None of it was new. These were the things they admitted to each other at night. These were the things that had drawn them together again and again in the first place. Because no one else knew or understood the extent of what they were dealing with and so they had turned to each other. 

It wasn’t enough, they both knew that. But maybe acknowledging what was broken with each of them and between them was a place to start. 

Michael helped Alex with the dishes in silence and left without a goodbye.

They both knew he’d be back later anyway.

\----

Michael held up a hand against the glare of the headlights as Maria pulled into the parking lot. He pushed himself to his feet and wiped his hands on his jeans as she parked and stepped out.

“Michael!” She called, her voice still frantic though tinged with a bit of anger. “Are you okay?”

She hurried over and started scanning him with her eyes, as if she could pick out an injury he may be hiding.

“I’m fine,” he tried to assure her. She searched his eyes for a moment before nodding and shoving at his chest with both hands. It wasn’t hard but he did have to take a step back to keep his balance. Neither one of them moved to fill the space between them.

“Where the hell have you been?” The anger was more prominent in her voice now. “We’ve been worried sick!”

“Yeah I know. I got your messages.”

“Oh so you did have your phone. That’s great. You were just ignoring all of us for fun then, huh?” 

Michael shook his head. “No, of course not. I-”

Maria waited for him to finish but he couldn’t form the words. “Why are you waiting here? Why not come to the Pony? Or  _ call _ ?”

Michael shrugged. “Knew you weren’t working so I figured I’d meet you here. Didn’t think I’d beat you, though.”

Maria’s eyes narrowed. “Beat me?”

Michael let out a breath and closed his eyes. “From Alex’s.”

“You saw Alex?” Maria’s voice rose. “When?”

“That’s where I’ve been. Since I left the other night.”

Maria’s mouth opened and closed a few times before she looked away. “You left me in the middle of the night to go to Alex?”

Michael nodded.

“Why?” Her voice shook. “You said you two were long over.”

“We are.” Michael admitted. “But I can’t seem to sleep unless it’s next to him. I’ve tried, Maria, I really have. This week I was up for three straight days without any sleep because I was trying not to go to him. I just physically couldn’t take it anymore.” He swallowed and took a step back as Maria wrapped her arms around herself. “I wasn’t ignoring you the past couple of days I’ve just been asleep. It’s like my body was catching up on all the sleepless nights recently. Alex says I woke up this morning to move my car but I don’t remember. I remember passing out on Tuesday night and then waking up to you and Isobel talking to Alex tonight.”

“He lied to us. We asked him if had seen you and he said he hadn’t heard from you in weeks.”

“He knew I hadn’t told you about the whole sleeping thing. He didn’t want to be the one to do it.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Maria-”

“Tell me.” Maria demanded, her body losing its defensive stance, her hands clenching as her arms fell to her sides. “How much of our relationship has consisted of you leaving me to go to Alex?”

“It’s only ever been sleep, Maria.” Michael told her quietly. “I get these-” he stopped and shook his head, “there are nights when I can’t sleep and he’s the only one who understands why. I just needed someone who I didn’t have to explain it to.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“How long has it been going on? Since he got back into town. Though it didn’t get this bad until about three or four months ago. For some reason it’s gotten to the point where neither one of us can sleep more than a few minutes unless the other one is there.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Which part? The sleeping thing or the not sleeping thing or-?”

“Any of it!” Maria exclaimed. “I thought we were building something here. Something  _ real _ . And now you’re telling me that you’ve kept some pretty big secrets? That there are things in your life that keep you from sleeping and you couldn’t tell me about them?” The anger started to leave Maria, leaving only hurt written on her face. “Why is that you could tell Alex these things, let Alex be the one there for you, but not me? We’re supposed to be in a relationship, Michael! You and me! Not you and Alex, because you  _ told _ me that you two were done. That there was nothing there anymore.”

Michael shrugged helplessly. “He’s Alex.”

Maria crumpled. “He’s Alex,” she echoed.

“I don’t have an explanation for you, Maria. I don’t know if there is one, to be honest. It’s just- he’s Alex.” Michael tried to find the words to explain their relationship to her, explain why even though he cared about her and enjoyed being with her, it didn’t compare to how he felt about Alex. But how he felt about Alex was very complicated right now and he didn’t think there were words to accurately explain it.

Maria nodded and wiped at her tears. “When you said you two were over you failed to mention you were in love with him.”

“I know.” Michael couldn’t deny it. Loving Alex Manes was just a fact of who he was. “I’m sorry.”

Maria sniffled and nodded again. “Okay. Well, it’s late and you’re probably tired so- guess you’re going back to Alex’s?”

“I wanted this to work, Maria,” Michael told her softly. “I really did.”

“I believe you,” Maria told him. “But it never stood a chance. Not really.” She stepped to the side. “You should go. And maybe find a new bar. At least for a while.”

Michael nodded slowly and gave her a wide berth as he walked towards his car.

Behind him, Maria put a hand to her mouth to smother a sob as she hurried up the stairs to her apartment. The thud of the door closing echoed through the parking lot as Michael started up the truck and pulled out.

\---

Michael didn’t bother to knock. Alex had never given him a key but by this point he no longer needed an invitation to come in. He kicked the door shut behind him and dropped the bags in his hand in the kitchen without so much as a ‘hello’ to Alex where he sat on the couch watching a movie. 

After stowing the perishables in the fridge he took a quick shower, making sure to scrub thoroughly with Alex’s soap, and got dressed in some of the sweats he’d left behind in the bottom of Alex’s dresser. When he came back out, Alex hadn’t moved.

Michael grabbed the pint of Chocolate Fudge Brownie he’d brought and two spoons and settled on the couch next to him. Wordlessly, Alex untucked the blanket from around himself and draped part of it over Michael as Michael handed him one of the spoons. 

They passed the ice cream back and forth silently for a few minutes, Michael trying to figure out the plot of whatever it was that Alex was watching.

“You’re not your dad.” Michael broke the silence. Alex froze next to him before deliberately relaxing and taking another bite of ice cream.  “I know you’re not, I really really do. It’s just that you’re so tied up in the worst things he’s done to me that sometimes I can’t separate you two. I’m getting better, though.” He stabbed at the pint and scooped out another bite. “This helps. He has no place in moments like this.”

They worked their way through the pint steadily.

“You’re better than him, by the way,” Michael started again, casually. “Just because he’s willing to do more terrible things than you are doesn’t mean he’s going to win. You just gotta be smarter. And we both know you are. Use your brain, Alex, not the military. Fight him on your turf, your way, instead of trying to play by his rules. That’s how he wins.”

Alex sank into him, his shoulder pressing into Michael’s chest as he leaned back. “Thank you,” he breathed. 

They went back to watching the movie.

“It’s okay to be mad at Max, you know.” Alex offered after a while. “It’s okay to miss him  _ and _ be mad at him. You don’t have to pick one.”

“He’s dead.” Michael said simply. “It feels wrong to hate on a dead man.”

“He healed your hand when you told him not to. He kept you from getting the answers you’ve been seeking your whole life. He shot at you.” That last part was hissed out in barely controlled anger. Michael was well aware of how Alex felt about Max shooting the vial out of his hand that night. He thumbed his hip gently. “Those are valid reasons to be angry at him. And you never really got a chance to deal with that with him. You never got a chance to have it out so of course you’re still angry. It’s okay. Doesn’t mean you miss him any less.”

Michael closed his eyes against the tears forming and leaning over to press his forehead to Alex’s hair. He didn’t say ‘thank you’. He wasn’t sure if he believed Alex just yet.

They finished off the ice cream soon after and Michael threw it away without getting up. It gave him a thrill to use his powers so casually.

“Ok what is it with this movie?” Michael finally asked.

“It’s a classic,” Alex defended.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” Alex just shrugged. “What movie is this?”

“2001: A Space Odyssey.”

Michael raised an eyebrow. Alex didn’t usually go for space movies. He opened his mouth to ask more questions but Alex cut him off.

“Just shut up and watch it. We can watch it again another time so you can see it from the beginning.”

A small smile spread across his lips. “Okay.”

Alex shuffled and pushed at Michael until he moved them into a more comfortable position. 

Michael tried to watch, he did. It’s not his fault that the movie made no sense and Alex was warm and heavy on top of him.

They’d watch it again later. He could sleep through it this time.


End file.
